from the 5 May Galactica Gazette-Herald-Intelligencer-Picayune --

Fracas Mars Ribbon-Cutting at New Web Site

Minneapaul District, Chicago Sector, AltaNortAm, Fed. Terra -- The scene was to have been festive, but the aftermath was more of what you've come to expect when you invite the 3WA's best-known TroCons to any public occasion. Worse yet, this was the Dirty Pair times four, as this particular occasion was meant to honor all four versions of the infamous duo at the opening of a special museum celebrating their exploits.

For reasons that will become apparent, the usual full-sensorium VR coverage of such a public event has perforce been replaced by this low-tech text version. We apologize for any disappointment experienced by our viewers. What follows is, in large part, a transcription of what was said and done at the dedicatory event by the Guests of Honor. (In the hopes of minimizing your confusion, a suffix has been attached to names as necessary: N - for novels version, C - for Classic, W - for comix, and F - for Flash.)

Opening Remarks

The new Museum of the Lovely Angels was to open this week in the eastern fringe of the Minneapaul District urbanocore at one of its many lovely park-preserves. The Municipal Governor was scheduled to be on hand to perform the "ribbon-cutting" at the formal dedication of the site. In keeping with the theme and variety of the Museum, all four teams known as 'the Lovely Angels' were invited to attend.

Perhaps a hint of coming troubles was offered by the appearance instead of the Lieutenant Governor to officiate at the ceremony and the roughly simultaneous arrival of the eight Guests of Honor -- about twenty minutes late.

At that point, the separate duos took that opportunity to size one another up, exchange "pleasantries", or explain the reason for their delays. Some samples:

Yuri-C: ... I just wanted to get here using the navcomp's course, but no, you knew a 'shortcut' through the Scorpius-Centaurus Association--"

Kei-C: So we made it here, didn't we? It's not like it's a well-traveled route, I mean, who the hell comes to boring old Earth anymore?

YC: We could have asked for directions at Tau Ceti -- we were practically here! -- but you decide to head down-Arm from there. If you hadn't snoozed through so much of Navigation class, you'd know that Sol is--

KC: Enough of your grumbling! We made damn good time getting to this backwater...

The senior Pair surveyed the scene --

YN: (coolly) They're all supposed to be us? In somebody's dreams...

KN: Do you believe the get-ups those two kids are wearing? Fashion sure has gone downhill in the last couple decades.

KF: I wish I'd brought my gear. I've heard stories that the fishing around here is really good -- lotsa lakes fulla lotsa fish!

YF: ...full of enough metal to use them as sinkers. This is an ancient industrial zone, after all.

YN: (taken aback) Maa... lavender... is a color... for hair?

KW: Hey there, kiddo, it sure was nice of the folks at Juvvie to let ya out for this thing.

KF: (balling up a fist) *grrr* Why, you genetic cocktail, I oughta--

YF & YW: (together) Kei, you said you were gonna behave yourself!

YC: Ah, I see you decided to wear some clothing for the occasion.

YW: (icily) And your point is?

YC: From what I've seen of your stories, I wasn't sure you actually owned any.

KW: Hey, it's not our fault the artist keeps whittling away at the uniforms...

Dedication of the Site

It was thought at first there would be a bad moment when it was announced that the Governor would not be present to cut the ribbon, but had sent the Lieutenant Governor in his stead. "It seems that he sort of lost interest when he found out that none of you had ever actually been pro wrestlers," remarked the deputy official. "Where would he have gotten a weird idea like that?" came a rejoinder.

That particular source of anxiety was rapidly dispelled, however, as none of the Guests of Honor were actually paying all that much attention to the ceremony.

KF: Who cares about that? What I wanna know is when are they gonna feed us?

The actual opening was uneventful enough. The women-of-the-hour had already gone off in search of the banquet table. But their disappointment was evident when they found themselves confronted with the standard offerings of canapes and other dainties. From what mutterings were overheard, they had apparently hoped for something more like "brunch" or "some real chow." Several sets of eyes were scanning the horizon for "a nice restaurant" or "take-out", when one of the party returned from her reconnoiter with some news that seemed to please them.

KN: I knew there'd be some point in our coming here. I found the open bar!

KF: Well, of course, it's open: I saw people walkin' around with drinks--

YW: Dear, an "open" bar means it's complimentary.

KF: Whatcha mean, "complimentary"?

KW: (wryly) That means the bartender keeps on tellin' ya you look beautiful and intelligent even when you're completely shi--

YF: *ahem* What they're saying is, it's free.

KF: Free beer?! Copy that! Point the way!

Apres Nous, le Deluge

As the group of thirsty Tro-Cons approached the bar, there were various calls for beer, bim soda, trann'ya, and so forth. In accordance with local regulations for the dispensing of alcoholic beverages, they were asked to produce identification cards. As events unfolded, this was to lead to a grave crisis.

An assortment of cries were abruptly heard, more or less at the same moment, "What's that? MINORS!? Under-age? What the hell is this--?" They moved off a little ways, uttering grumbles and growls of irritation.

"Oh, cripes," the city official coordinating the affair was overheard saying. "I hadn't even thought about that."

KF: What's that clown mean "too young to drink"? I've been doin' just fine since I was fifteen!

This turned out to be only part of the troubles. While some of the women went into a huddle to assess the situation, the others nearby had taken an interest not in the refreshments, but in their provider.

YF: *gasp* Kawaaiii...

YW: You do have good taste, kid... oh yeah....

YC: Ummm... he sure is something all right! And at least Kei won't be butting in...

YN: Uh-huh, but I saw him first...

In the meantime, one of the conclave had hit upon a course of action.

KC: I know something I could try. (reaching to undo some buttons) I'll distract the bartender, while one of you leans over the counter and snags something decent...

KF: (darkly) Awful fond of that little gambit, aren'cha?

KC: (rounding on her adversary, eyes widening) Look, you adolescent pipsqueak! It's bad enough I get that noise from Yuri without having to take it from y-

(simultaneously) YC: Just what are you saying? KF: Pipsqueak?! I'll show you who's a--

At this point, it became very difficult to pick out individual insults and catcalls from the general storm of outrage caused by the level of tension and frustration among the Guests. While there was some physical violence, little damage was done to the parties involved, as jabs, thrusts and kicks were expertly blocked or dodged by essentially equal levels of martial skill.

Then events took a truly harrowing turn. It was just possible to identify shouts into communicators of "Mughi! Bring the ship--", "--Angel here pronto!", "Hey, girl! Warm up your laser cannon and get over--", and the like.

The skies darkened as four 80-meter starships (each carrying weaponry sufficient for a 200-meter frigate) converged upon the park. Moments later, the hypercommlink was lost. We hope to have an update as soon as Federal Terran security officers deem it safe to re-enter the area. In the meantime, here is one of the last images captured at the site.

[IMAGE PROCESSING FROM DISRUPTED DATA FILES IN PROGRESS:

PICTURE AVAILABLE SOON]